Staying

Having decided to STAY has opened up a whole new world to me.

Suddenly I can join things without the customary "well, I can commit until June...", I no longer have to say no to purchases that tie me down (things that are bigger than a suitcase), I can fully engage in relationships that always used to live within the confines of my plane tickets and the love I reserved for people you don't know ...as if love was somehow limited.

I am discovering now, that I was always on my way out (I'm fully aware that YOU knew this long before me).

Saying goodbye was my favourite thing in the world, because it slows everything down until all is left is one singular moment that we remember forever. Life is never as sweet as in those last seconds. I celebrate it, and crave it... to the point that I would manufacture it.

My life was FILLED with goodbyes. I lived in a state of goodbye. I am learning now how utterly lonely goodbyes are in comparison to how FULL I feel when I say "nope, imma keep you!"

And it is scary.

Because obviously that kept me in control of how things went. Obviously, that always gave me the chance to 'leave first' so I wouldn't have the rug pulled out from underneath me.

What I want to say here is thank you. Thank you for holding the door open for me while I figure it out. I am walking through it now.

It makes me so, so joyful every day I discover something that I can now KEEP. Like the amazing surround sound system in my apartment. Or the view from my beach. Or the new friends that I'm making left right and centre.

And not thinking about the inevitability of a goodbye, but a future spent together.