On Surrender

Three weeks ago was the last of my 300 days of Surrender

Since then, I’ve been meaning to tell you about what I learned, and inspire you to practise too, but there are no concise teachable moments that I can compile into bullet points.

Some days, Surrender was letting go of control, some days it was trust in people, one memorable day it was receiving – fully, and with an open mind (try that one out, ha) – and some days it was giving everything.

It was breaking down, immediately followed by feeling empowered and standing up for myself.

It was resilience.

It was leaving the dishwasher as it was; filled by someone else (ahem).

Sometimes, it was taking a few breaths, and sleeping over it.

It was allowing anger, and empathy, and joy… at the exact same time (I didn’t know we could do that).

It was allowing help – again, and again, and again.

It was learning how my heart works and giving it space to fully expand and contract.

I said the words ‘I will surrender for 300 days’ out loud, and I was delivered wave after wave of heart breaking and opening and reshaping moments to the point where I had no choice but to throw up my hands and get out of the way.

It has been a tough and happy year. In order to learn how my heart works, I had to ..well.. open it.

After 5 years of growing by myself, the shock of entering a relationship unearthed the past I had so neatly dissociated from. Now I know the terms ‘Complex PTSD’ and ‘Childhood Emotional Neglect’ – and as much as I don’t want to know them, I am much better for it. (And thank the gods for therapists and the work that they do!)

I practised surrender for loving partnership.

What I didn’t expect to discover was my identity.

Surrender has completely reassembled my DNA in the tiniest of increments, and I was there for every one of them. I know every chromosome that I am made of now - and I could not be more proud.

Not to say any of this was easy. I don’t think I’ve ever undertaken growth on such a fundamental, molecular level… which you can probably imagine wasn’t always pretty. But BOY, has it been worth it.

I went from loner, semi-nomadic scaredy cat with a few bags to my name, to committed, live-in girlfriend with two step dogs, a snazzy car, more stuff than will fit in said car, a nose ring, and a new tattoo. I have a new name. I’m building my career. Hockey has become a huge part of my life, as has punk rock, horror movies – and cooking (!!). We’re building a cabin on Pender Island; on the ferry we watch the orcas and eagles, he writes songs and I draw. We’re a good team.

So I’d say do it. Actively practise surrender. Make it mean whatever you want, but make sure to stay awake for it all. I’d be shocked if you have nothing to report.

Now, I am practising freedom. 300 days. No journal, no intentions, no control. I can already tell this year is about getting what I want. Which is harder than you’d think – it’s punched me in the gut a few times already. BUT HEY. I ain’t stopping this train. Who knows what will come from it.

*The drawing is a new thing I'm trying. Don't judge. #surrender