Imposter Complex

I don’t have imposter complex.

At least, not at first glance.

I think I'm pretty cool and hella good at things. I think people like me, I'm great at my craft, I'm creative, my work is important, my thoughts matter.

I don't have those nasty voices that other people hear. I even think I'm a good writer!

What I AM terrible at is starting.

That one tiny moment that seems to decide everything, mean everything, required to hold everything that is to come.

So I don't start. The pressure is too big.

What if the thing I start with makes no sense in connection to the next thing? What if the collection of things in the end has no structure? What if I change my mind and don't want to keep doing the thing?

There are no voices telling me not to do things because "Who am I?".

My Imposter Complex has lodged itself in the pragmatic part of my brain that can talk me out of anything.

"You don't want the pressure to write every day, it's summer! Don't get up early to write, you can't write on low sleep anyways. You need a vacation, you'll burn out! ..."

My Imposter Complex hides in not starting.

If I never start, I never have to commit. If I never start, no one can tell me I gave up. If I never start, I can never be found out.

But I can trick myself into starting: start with other people. This essay is a start. And I wrote it on 5 hours of sleep.